20 Awful Romantic Comedy Movie Posters

Valentine’s Day is Sunday. Hooray!! Excuse me while I jab freshly sharpened pencils into my ears. This way I won’t have to listen to the constant reminders that fill the air whenever my chick enters the room. The running clock updates are my favorite. “We’re only 60 hours away, babe.” Thanks. I wasn’t aware.

Some of you poor fools will undoubtedly get dragged to a shitty romantic comedy either Saturday or Sunday night. I’ve been there, so I feel your excruciating pain. Luckily, me and my current gal have made a deal regarding the cinema. Basically, I won’t force her to sit through The Wolfman as long as I don’t have to endure Dear John. So far, this compromise has worked out swimmingly for both of us.

Why do real guys loathe these sappy snoozefests? The reasons are many, but chief among them in my mind are the fu**ing posters used to promote these vacuous excuses for entertainment. From my experience, if the poster sucks, the movie will follow suit.

Here are 20 billboards that scream stupidity and ooze awfulness. Click the pics to enlarge, if you dare.

20 – When in Rome

She needs a man and the only place to find one is a foreign country. Ya know, cause American dudes are assholes. Notice the Italian clown car packed with potential suitors. That’s hilarious. I particularly love Kristen Bell’s devilish smile and carefree biting of her finger nail. She must be thinking, “Gee, which one of these wacky fellas should I pick?” I’d rather pick a week-old scab than sit through this drivel.

19 – I Love Trouble

Look out folks, this madcap duo loves getting into mischief. It’s a big city romance as you can see from the skyline in the background. Notice how “trouble” is in all caps and bold type. That tells us we’re in for some crazy antics for sure. And of course Julia Roberts is the one in control because she towers above Nick Nolte. So much so that it looks like Nolte’s head is growing from her chest. Ugh.

18 – Forces of Nature

Strap in for a whirlwind romance! We got torrential rain, flowing locks of wet hair and action-oriented font. But the real force of nature is Bullock’s character. Notice how she has a tight grip on Ben Affleck and is nearly knocking him over. She blows into his life and turns it upside down with her free-spirited attitude. Real subtle.

17 – Failure to Launch

McConaughey won’t move away from home. The witch from Sex and the City is trying to push him out the door. He’ll have none of it as he is drags his heels, hands in pockets. The little rocket falling to the ground is a nice way to reinforce that Matthew refuses to leave his parents’ house. Pardon me while I drive a railroad spike through my hand.

16 – Two If by Sea

Uh oh, looks like Sandra wants Denis to keep his trap shut. I wonder what he’s about to say. I would imagine it’s probably something like, “What the f**k am I doing in this piece of shit movie.” That’s the sea in the background, just in case you missed it.

15 – Runaway Bride

Julia’s tying up her running shoes. That can’t be good, especially since she’s wearing a wedding dress. Looks like the only one who can stop her from bolting is Richard Gere, but he’ll have to catch her first. There’s that thick bold font again, emphasizing RUNAWAY. A nice tall glass of battery acid would taste great right about now.

14 – The Accidental Husband

Uma Thurman is falling. Which of her two beaus will catch her? More importantly, which one does she want to snatch her up? It’s quite the dilemma. Will it be the buttoned-down safe guy, or the devil-may-care fireman? The word “accidental” being tilted is key; it lets us know this is a crazy situation. Speaking of crazy, anyone have the number to a decent insane asylum?

13 – Overboard

Hmm. This looks oddly familiar. A rich socialite and a blue-collared everyman tumbling off the bow of a luxury yacht. I hope this opposites attract couple can make it work. Goldie seems a bit distressed by her predicament, while Kurt is taking it all in stride. He must be the more fun-loving of the two. I wish I had a giant ship to leap from.

12 – Heartbreakers

Gene Hackman and Sigourney Weaver’s involvement with this dreck is puzzling. Love Hewitt not so much. The caution sign makes this poster for me. Watch out for this pair of crafty vixens. They are dangerous, or rather their curves are. Poor Gene must be one of their unsuspecting victims. Hot bitches should never be trusted.

11 – Rumor Has It…

There’s a nasty rumor being spread and Jennifer is none too happy. That blank expression on her face and the hands in the pockets tells us she means business. And of course all the eyes in the sky are on her. What will she do next? I’d love to find out, but I’m preparing to ingest a massive bowl of assorted pills.

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