The 82nd Academy Awards are eleven days away. As I’m sure you already know, there will be ten, not five, Best Picture nominees this time around. Will James Cameron’s juggernaut Avatar take home gold, or will his ex-wife’s critically acclaimed The Hurt Locker pull the upset? It will likely come down to those two, unless the voters decide to annoy anyone with taste and throw the statue to The Blind Side.
Speaking of bad taste, let’s talk about Edward D. Wood Jr., or Ed Wood if you prefer. I’m pretty sure good ol’ Eddie would have something to say about this year’s list of nominated flicks. In fact, I bet he might have a few suggestions on how to improve a few of these pics, thus giving them the official Ed Wood stamp of approval.
What kinds of changes would Eddie make? As someone who has watched all of Wood’s biggest flops hits, I think I have a pretty good idea how this year’s crop of wannabe winners would look if he were at the controls. So, without further ado, here are five Best Picture contenders as seen through the eyes of Ed Wood.
Ghouls in the Air
George Clooney plays Ryan Acula, a cold and uncaring efficiency expert who fires people for a living. The traumatic experience of losing a job causes many of his victims to commit suicide. While flying a red-eye from Los Angeles to New York City, Ryan is haunted by the ghoulish ghosts of the people who killed themselves. Armed with the contents of his well-packed carry-on and a case of mini-bottles, Ryan must fend off an army of savage specters.
Sixteen-year-old Precious comes from an abusive household. In order to forget the horrors of her daily life, she dresses in men’s clothing and pretends to be a big, strapping fella named Glen. As Glen, Precious gains the confidence to stand up to her psycho mother. After leaving her old life behind, Precious Glen takes a cashier job at a supermarket and begins saving money for a sex change operation.
Bride of the Basterds
During WWII, A Jewish mad scientist named Dr. Aldo Vornstein experiments with nuclear energy to create an army of Nazi-killing supermen. Aided by a baseball bat wielding assistant named Bear, Vornstein must complete his master plan before his longtime German rival, Professor Hans Landa, discovers his hidden laboratory and destroys it aided by an elite Jew hunting robot called Adolph.
The Bait Locker
Vic James is bored with his mundane life. Having a wife and young son isn’t enough to satisfy his thrill-seeking needs. To spice things up, he flees his domestic hellhole and undergoes extensive plastic surgery. He then changes his identity to William Brady and joins the Army to learn how to defuse bombs. While his wife frantically searches for him, Vic/William heads to Iraq to lead an EOD unit.
Plan 9 From Pandora
Humans invade an alien planet called Pandora and begin to construct a weapon that will destroy all of its native inhabitants. Trent Sully, a crippled Marine who has fallen in love with one of the aliens, uses his genetically altered avatar to fight against the human invasion. Knowing they are severely outnumbered, the leader of the natives, Eroscan, enacts “Plan 9,” causing all the dead aliens to rise from their graves and attack. It’s a zombie versus human extravaganza.