What If “Star Wars” Fought “Goodfellas”?
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George Lucas and Martin Scorsese are responsible for creating some of cinema’s most famous and infamous characters. Be it heroes or villains, you can pretty much cherry-pick from both camps and find whatever type of representation you desire.
Georgie gets off on fantasy, while Marty prefers to stay grounded in reality. The results have been two vastly different sets of movie personalities. Everyone from Jar Jar Binks to Jesus Christ have graced theaters across the globe during the last thirty years.
While scanning both filmmakers’ diverse catalogs, I got to thinking. Who would win in a fight between the Star Wars peeps and the Goodfellas gang? Well, I need to know. After consulting boxing experts, MMA aficionados and ring announcer extraordinaire Michael Buffer, I feel educated enough to take a stab at this big screen brouhahah.
Before I get to the tale of the tape, I need to define some rules. No lightsabers or guns of any kind will be tolerated. The force can be used, but only the power of suggestion will be permitted. Lifting and/or moving of people and/or objects is strictly prohibited. All other traditional boxing regulations are applicable. Violating any of these terms is grounds for immediate disqualification.
DING! It’s fight time.
Luke Skywalker vs. Henry Hill
Hill has the height and weight advantage on Skywalker, but Luke has the better bloodline. Both have quick tempers and are susceptible to fits of rage. Reflexes and stamina go to Skywalker. However, Hill is guileful and excels at circumventing the rules. Luke’s limited understanding of the force isn’t enough to fool the mobster. Hill shrewdly rope-a-dopes the young Padawan to wear him down.
Winner: Henry by unanimous decision
Han Solo vs. Jimmy Conway
Give the edge in reach to Solo, but Conway can take a punch. Both are crafty and fearless. Experience goes to Jimmy. Very few rival Solo in the tenacity department. Conway is a master technician who leans on intimidation. Solo is accustomed to being underestimated and uses that to his advantage. That fact that Jimmy relies on others to do his dirty work will be his undoing. Han’s ring savvy proves to be too much.
Winner: Solo by 10th round knockout
Chewbacca vs. Tommy DeVito
The battle of badass sidekicks. These two hot-headed soldiers relish a good scrap. The obvious size advantage for Chewy makes this look like a monumental mismatch. Not so fast fight fans. Tommy is an effing pitbull who will not go down easy. The walking carpet lacks endurance, so he’ll shoot for a quick knockout. DeVito laughs at rules and will do whatever it takes to seize the prize. Despite repeated warnings, Tommy refuses to stop hitting below the belt.
Winner: Chewbacca by 2nd round DQ
Princess Leia vs. Karen Hill
A real Princess against a Mob Princess. Let the hair-pulling begin! Leia is one tough cookie who loves to stand up to authority. Karen is a gutsy MILF hardened by years of turning the other cheek and evading the law. Leia’s resourcefulness will serve her well, but tangling with a scorned Jewish chick is not advisable. Karen’s propensity to lose her shit will be the deciding factor. Look out, we got ourselves an upset.
Winner: Karen by 8th round TKO
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