What If “Star Wars” Fought “Goodfellas”?

Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Paul Cicero

This titanic tussle features the grand poobah’s of their respective clans. Obi-Wan is well-versed in the ways of the force. Cicero is a charismatic leader who has survived serious jail time. Both favor tactics as opposed to brute force. Paulie is no idiot, but Kenobi’s superior knowledge of all things mystical in nature is impossible to overcome.

Winner: Obi-Wan after Cicero throws in the towel after 3 rounds

Greedo vs. Billy Batts

These gents like to talk smack… in bars. Their innate arrogance is what makes them worthy opponents for one another. However, both foolishly believe they are untouchable. A well-timed sucker punch is all it takes to foil either combatant. Greedo’s aim is questionable. Batts lacks vision. This is gonna be anything but pretty.

Winner: Double knockout in the 1st round

C3P0 vs. Morrie Kessler

Neither of these busy bodies knows when to shut the hell up. Expect plenty of posturing and chatter, but little in the way of action. It’s the most boring matchup in the history of pugilism.

Winner: Draw

Darth Vader vs. The FBI

The ultimate villain goes head-to-head with the most feared law enforcement organization ever assembled. The feds have a significant manpower advantage. Darth has been eluding capture and kicking ass for years. This is the equivalent of watching Ali-Foreman or Fedor-Lesnar. The Bureau will throw its complete arsenal at Vader, but the dark side is one vicious beast to tame. This classic face-off is going the distance. If he brought the Jedi Council to its knees, Vader can do the same to the FBI.

Winner: Darth by split decision

With a 4-2-2 match record, Star Wars is the champ. That damn force was just too overwhelming for Goodfellas. The Hills were the only ones to notch victories. The poor mafia just can’t buy, or steal, a break. I’m thinking a little assistance from Raging Bull could’ve helped. Hmm. I smell a rematch.

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