10 Insane Ways to Improve the Oscars
It seems just about everyone has suggestions on how to improve the Academy Awards. Have nominees prepare two speeches, dump the best song performances and go back to more than one host are the most recent alterations mandated by the powers that be.
Let’s be real. No matter what the producers do, the show will still run long, winners will still blather on endlessly, and the hosts will still swing and miss on a handful of jokes. It’s the Oscars. Part of the reason we watch is to witness the cringe-inducing moments and emotional breakdowns.
After a night of heavy boozing, I compiled my own list of ideas that will assuredly enrich the viewing experience on Hollywood’s grandest night. Or make it monumentally worse. You be the judge.
10. Bubble Machines
Who doesn’t love bubble machines? They’re festive. Fire ‘em up after every winner is announced and watch as the likes of Sandy Bullock deliver words of thanks amidst a cascade of beautiful bubbles.Very classy.
9. Everyone Must Wear Hats
Top hats, berets, turbans, skull caps, whatever. Nobody gets in unless they are fitted with some sort of headgear. Jack Nicholson in a Lakers ball cap. Angelina in a black flapper cloche. It’s a win-win.
8. Clip Montages of Andy Warhol’s Empire
The same old movie montages are boring. A three-minute take of the Empire State Building should add plenty of pizazz. It’s about time Warhol got his due as a filmmaker.
7. Al Pacino Tap Dancing
Normally, I loathe song and dance numbers during my Oscars, but the opportunity to see screaming Al cut a rug dressed like Mr. Peanut will be a showstopper.
6. Add a Category For Best Film Trying Too Hard to Win An Award
Costume dramas. Flicks about people either dying or disabled. Sweeping romantic epics. The only reason filmmakers tackle these subjects is to get nominated for Best Picture. It’s high time we call them out.
5. Two Words: Shark Tank
Its awesomeness speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
4. Martin Kove Tribute
He’s responsible for one of cinema’s greatest lines: “Sweep the leg.” If any thespian deserves our mutual respect and admiration, it’s this guy.
3. Random Strip Searches by Steven Seagal
You never know when one of these Hollywood types might try to sneak in a weapon, especially with everyone sporting a hat. Seagal is a lawman. He’ll curtail any shenanigans.
2. Replace Orchestra with Iron Maiden
You won’t have to worry about lulls in the show with Maiden manning the pit. I hear Helen Mirren is a mean crowd surfer, so fasten your seat belts.
1. Hire Gary Coleman to Host
Lil’ Gary has had a rough go of it lately. Learning of his marital problems and numerous trips to the hospital saddens me. Pegging him to emcee will brighten everyone’s mood.
