Meet the Heroes of Syfy Channel Original Movies

I really enjoy wasting my free time watching Syfy Channel original movies. They are so intoxicatingly awful, I can’t avert my eyes. The production value, special effects, plot and acting all toe the line between laughable and offensive. Basically, these flicks are massive piles of shit, but in a good way.

The “filmmakers” responsible for this dreck are fully aware they are working on the cheap. At least I hope they are. I mean if Debbie Gibson ends up cast in a leading role, you gotta know the Emmys won’t come knocking during awards season. Unless the award is “Worst Monster Movie Starring a Washed-Up ’80s Pop Princess.”

Due to the lack of character development and subtext within the script, getting Leonardo DiCaprio or Sean Penn to star in Mega Cow vs. Super Goat can be difficult. Luckily, there are plenty of B- and C-listers eager to be heroes in movies about giant man-eating reptiles and insects.

So, who are these masters of acting? The names and faces are familiar, even if their spotlight has dimmed in recent years. Let’s meet them, shall we.

Casper Van Dien

Claim to fame: Starship Troopers

Syfy resume includes: Slayer, The Fallen Ones and Skeleton Man

Characters played: Hawk, an elite commando who must rescue his ex-wife from a pack of nasty South American vampires in Slayer. Matt Fletcher, an archaeologist who must stop a fallen angel from resurrecting a giant mummy buried inside a hidden tomb in The Fallen Ones. Staff Sgt. Oberron, part of an elite special forces squad being stalked by a savage supernatural being called Skeleton Man.

Notable co-stars: Lynda Carter and Tom Bosley

Sean Patrick Flannery

Claims to fame: The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles and The Boondock Saints

Syfy resume includes: KAW and Savage Planet

Characters played: Sheriff Wayne, who on his last day on the job must fend off a flock of flesh-eating ravens in KAW. Randall Cain, a scientist leading an exploration to a planet populated by flesh-eating prehistoric bears in Savage Planet.

Notable co-stars: None

Jon Schneider

Claims to fame: Smallville and The Dukes of Hazzard

Syfy resume includes: Shark Swarm and Lake Placid II

Characters played: Daniel Wilder, a fisherman who must save his seaside town from an evil industrialist and a school of chemically enhanced killer sharks in Shark Swarm. Sheriff James Riley, who must save his lakeside town from a trio of killer crocodiles in Lake Placid II.

Notable co-stars: Daryl Hannah and Cloris Leachman

Corin Nemec

Claims to fame: Stargate SG-1 and Parker Lewis Can’t Lose

Syfy resume includes: Sea Beast, S.S. Doomtrooper and Mansquito

Characters played: Will McKenna, a fishing boat Captain who must save his seaside town from a murderous sea creature in Sea Beast. Captain Malloy, an Allied officer leading an elite squad behind German lines during WWII to destroy a genetically altered Nazi super-soldier in S.S. Doomtrooper. Lt. Tom Randall, a cop investigating a series of grisly murders by genetically altered humanoid mosquitoes in Mansquito.

Notable co-stars: None

Lou Diamond Phillips

Claims to fame: La Bamba and Courage Under Fire

Syfy resume includes: Carny, Alien Express and The Triangle

Characters played: Sheriff Atlas, who must save a small community from a vicious winged monster (Jersey Devil) in Carny. Vic Holden, a man who must stop a deadly morphing alien from escaping a speeding bullet train in Alien Express. Meeno Paloma, a troubled survivor of an incident in the Bermuda Triangle who joins the fight to stop the Navy from closing the Triangle in The Triangle.

Notable co-stars: Todd Bridges and Eric Stoltz