Casting Colors

I’m black. I say this because it’s sometimes necessary to say. I’m black and I’m from Louisiana. Both of those things mean that at this point in my life I’m over the whole race thing. I’ve seen it all, heard it all, (included the dreaded N-Word) and been through it all, so most of the time when the more frivolous issues of race are brought up, I’m not moved. However, there are certain times that certain issues do peak my interest, such as recent decisions to cast certain actors in certain roles. Two movies coming out this summer, The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and The Last Airbender, have recently come under fire for casting white actors in roles that were decidedly non-white in their source material. The Last Airbender in its inception as Nickelodeon cartoon, featured characters that looked Asian and some would argue mimicked Asian culture to a large degree and as far as The Prince of Persia goes, the title should give that one away. It’s Persia, as in Iran and stuff. Jake Gyllenhaal = not ideal to play a Persian. I can’t say that either decision bothered me, but they both are for lack of a better word, interesting. Now, in the Yahoo.com article that I read dealing with this subject, a lot of the user comments were less then supportive to the plight of the minority actor. I saw stuff  like “It’s just a movie, let it go,” and “People are always looking for stuff to gripe over.” And so on.

It got me to thinking. If it’s not a big deal to change famous ethnic characters to White ones, then how would it fly to change iconic White characters to ethnic ones? Let’s find out…..

1. Superman Returns (2006)

Originally starring Brandon Routh as Superman.

Now starring Ice Cube as Superman.

This one was easy. The White Superman is about truth, justice and the American Way, A.K.A. all the stuff us black people don’t care about. The Black Superman would be about power, swagger and dominating people. He’s the only super powered being that gets profiled, and he doesn’t like it. He’s sick of the women he saves clutching their purses as he flies them to safety. I actually took the time to give you an example of how some dialogue from this masterpiece might go.

*Lois Lane enters and flings a stack of papers onto the desk of a Black man wearing sunglasses and a Sean John suit*

Lois: I’m super busy Smallville. Could you go through these documents and-

Superman: Man, hell no. Get that s@*t away from my desk. And why you keep calling me Smallville? I’m from Detroit.

Lois: Oh, ummm, I’m sorry Clark I just thought you’d wanna help.

Superman: Naw, man, you wasn’t thinking nothin. And my name ain’t Clark. It’s Marcus Washington Jr. Respect my daddy’s name.

Lois: Oh I totally do. I wasn’t trying to be outta line.

Superman: You was TRYIN to get something for nothing.  Why don’t you just go in the back and wait for for your chocolate delight Superman, or “Big Supe Baby Baby” as these b*@ches like to call him. Get in something sexy too. I have a feeling that Superman wants to be nasty. Superman wants to be called Daddy.

And scene.

2. Untitled Abraham Lincoln Project (2012)

Originally starring Liam Neeson as Abraham Lincoln.

Now starring Edward James Olmos as Abraham Lincoln.

Speilberg and Neeson have been trying to bring honest Abe to screen for years, and in his upcoming biopic slated for 2012, I think it’s about time to let our 16^th president live La Vida Loca. The change to Latino is a slam dunk for many reasons. Number one, Lincoln freed the slaves. Therefore he is by default a pal to all minorities, thus easing the transition from top hat to sombrero. Number two, the Latinos are now a booming entity in America and it’s about time they are represented in history. Even if the history is totally wrong, off base, and a little disrespectful. Olmos is perfect for the part of the emancipator. Out of the six Latino actors working in Hollywood he has by far the most Lincolny face, not to mention the fact that his acting chops are perfect for a Gettysburg address delivered en Espanol. Olmos is also used to playing authority figures, illustrated by his brilliant turns as Lieutenant Martin Castillo in Miami Vice (pictured above) , and of course Colonel William Adama in Battlestar Gallactica.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull (2008)

Originally starring Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones.

Now starring Chow Yun-Fat as Indiana Jones.

The only thing I can say about this one is eff yeah. I’m all over this due to a couple of factors. One, Harrison Ford is older than my grandmother and that’s no lie. He will break his hip snapping the whip pretty soon. Two, CYF is a beast when it comes to action movie badassness. Anyone who’s seen Hard Boiled, or The Killer knows that either one of those characters would kick the hell out of Indiana Jones. Plus, let’s face it, Gary Coleman could have played Indy  in Chrystal Skull and it might not have been much worse. The movie was pretty disappointing. Would it have been so lame If Indy would have jumped on top of a tree with a broadsword and then flew into the air Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style? Course not.  As an added bonus, we could keep Shia LaBeouf in it just to mess with the audience. They would be like “How did Jones’ son with Marion come out so white and round eyed?” We would just laugh. This is Hollywood. We change your race when WE want to.

4. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

Originally starring Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft .

Now starring Aishwarya Rai as Lara Croft.

Forget about the theme of the blog for a second. Ms. Rai, I want to talk directly to you. If I was making this film, you’d have the lead role in it. But more than that, if I ever met you, you’d have the lead role in a movie called MY EXISTENCE. I don’t know that anyone would care if you were cast as Lara Croft. I really can’t make up anything funny regarding you. I just wanted to take the time to tell you that your eyes sparkle and your face makes me want to do push-ups. If you read this, call me immediately. You are the Princess of Persia, even though India is technically not in Persia and blah, blah, blah, whatever,  I love you. I want to make a Bollywood love scene with you, complete with the dancing and everything. Just so you know.

So, there you have it. Now all you non-minorities know how it feels to have cherished characters like the Prince of Persia and the little bald headed dude from The Last Airbender ripped away from you. I hope you can live with yourself during the day, cause I know you can’t sleep at night.