Lessons From Hollywood: Aliens And Humans Don’t Mix

Earlier this month, NASA announced that it was beginning an initiative to actively seek out extraterrestrial life. Basically, they want to find Aliens and be pals with them. To some this may seem exciting and groundbreaking, but to me it seems like the premise of a rather chilling and disturbing Roland Emmerich disaster flick. Almost immediately after the plan was announced, super smart guy Steven Hawking weighed in and said it was a bad idea. No disrespect to Hawking but I didn’t need him to tell me this. Hollywood already did. I know you’re all aware of the most violent examples of Human/Alien discourse; War of the Worlds, Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, stuff like that. But let’s look deeper. Let’s look at some of the unknown lessons from Hollywood’s less infamous Alien offenders.

1. Starman (1984)

This film stands alone as a singular testament to the virtue of interstellar segregation. First off, Starman comes to earth in the form of some poor widow’s dead husband. Nice Starman, real sensitive. Secondly, he shows up naked. Right, so you mean to tell me you can travel light years to get here, but you can’t figure out that we wear clothing? Sure Starman. You just wanted to show your Alien Fleshmaster to everyone. Learn our ways before you come down here to have adventures. Do your homework about our planet. Lazy Alien Scum.

2.  Cocoon (1985)

So let’s get this straight. Aliens come to Earth 10,000 years ago, take the time to make a city here, then resurface in the eighties with the grand plan to make old people feel strong and live forever? Wow. I can see why they would want to do that, I mean, it’s not like we had other problems in ’85. The Soviet Union wasn’t pointing 1200 nukes at us. Crack Cocaine wasn’t tearing up the streets, we didn’t have record inflation or anything. Everything was peachy keen, so it’s totally ok for the visitors from planet Antarea to concentrate their advanced technology on the immense task of helping Don Ameche do a back flip into a swimming pool. Prioritize Aliens.

3. E.T. (1982)

I wasn’t fooled by this one either. What you probably see is an adorable visitor with an iconic communication problem. You’d help him most likely. Give him an iPhone or perhaps some device on the Sprint Now Network. Whatev. What I see is a rabble rouser, an intergalactic trouble maker who landed here to turn kids against their parents. Think of the trouble he caused. Elliot got sick, the government had to get involved, costing the American tax payer thousands of dollars worth of man hours that could have been used on the Star Wars Program. E.T.’s rebellious doctrine also rubbed off on a young Drew Barrymore, as she would spend the next decade of her life snorting illicit substances and exposing herself to David Letterman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LYV9AZNlFU. Thanks E.T. Thanks for being a role model. Aliens turning the youth against authority.

4. K-Pax (2001)

Besides providing us with the biggest WTF moment of Kevin Spacey’s career other than Pay It Forward, K-Pax proves to us that Aliens are entirely self centered and glib. In it, Spacey plays a dude who claims to be an alien but can’t prove it, so he gets thrown in a mental hospital. First off, you’re from another planet yet you can’t prove it? Get outta here with that. Do a trick to prove your origin. Shouldn’t your blood be purple or something? Admit it, you just like to be fawned over, you attention whore from the stars. Furthermore, you have no expertise in the area of mental health, so stop trying to help out the other patients in the institute. Speaking of that, who footed the bill for this Alien freeloaders stay in the Psyche ward? As the Health Care debate here rages on, can we really afford an impostor psychologist from an obscure planet taking up space on the tab of the Government? Another failure for the Bush Administration.  Alien Shenanigans.

5. Avatar (2009)

You all may love them, but I for one have a big problem with the Na’vi. Yeah so, we came to their planet this time, I get it. But how about a little understanding? I know it’s a really rough life worshiping a tree and riding around on mythical beasts and stuff, but here on Earth we have something called a world economy. Out of respect for that, why didn’t they just give us the damn Unobtainium? I seriously doubt they needed it, unless it was vital in making tribal war paint or something. Selfish? Shortsighted? Disrespectful? I’ll take all three. What ensued was a major battle that claimed countless human lives, including a cougar’d out Sigourney Weaver, who could definitely still get love made to her on a hot night. This, plus turning Sam Worthington into the Uncle Tom of Humanity, makes me question how much love those Blue Jerkfaces have for us Homo Sapiens.  Let us mine what we need and we’ll get out of your way. Think about someone else for a change. Eff Hometree, Selfish overgrown Smurfs.

All of this together makes me say thanks but no thanks NASA. I don’t want any potentially violent but definitely socially challenged aliens complicating my life. I didn’t even mention Alien Nation, or the shocking oppression of They Live. Don’t get me started. Earth is for us.