5 Reasons I Won’t See Grown Ups

First off, let’s clear something up. I shouldn’t want to see Grown Ups. I have no kids. I am a wildly eccentric writer type who spends inordinate amounts of time in front of a computer. The movie wasn’t made for me, I get it. Still though, I have to admit that there are certain times that my desire to NOT SEE a movie actually astounds me. The most recent additions to the NOT SEE movie hall of fame (meaning I never saw them and have no desire to) include Cars, Sex and The City 2, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and the Ridley Scott Moola Reboot Robin Hood. They will NEVER be seen by my eyes.

The Twilight films should be in this category, but they’re not. Not only will I see the next one in theaters, but I’ll be the first one there at midnight. I’ll also be completely drunk. There is nothing more satisfying then seeing a Twilight movie in theaters, the first weekend, while you’re bombed out of your mind. The cheese factor on those films is so prodigious that it makes sense that a little wine brings their flavor right out. Try this please. You will find yourself in an orgy of good feelings. The movie will automatically become funnier than The Hangover, and more moving then Remember The Titans. You’ll also make friends with about 300 teenage girls, some with single moms whose Cougar claws have just begun to emerge. Twilight: Eclipse: Do it drunk.

Anyway, I digress. This is about Grown Ups and the reasons why I’ll skip it. So here goes.

1. Timing

When I say timing, I mean BAD timing. This movie features David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin James and Adam Sandler. Great, right? Now think of that cast like TEN YEARS AGO. Before the babies were had. Before the mega deals were signed. Before the edge was lost. I mean, between Rock and Sandler alone there would have been so much inappropriateness going on that the film would have been an instant classic. Add in Spade for the sarcasm, and Schneider to give you that taste of uncomfortable weirdness and it just keeps getting better. James could just hang out. I still dunno about him. He’s kinda funny I guess. He looks like some sort of comedy bear, but without the claws and cool fish catching abilities.

2. The new Adam Sandler

If you are of a certain age, you feel like you own this guy. Billy Madison. Happy Gilmore. The Waterboy. Movies so unbelievably out there that it’s as if he reached into your mind to make them. How random is the scene in Billy Madison where – wait. How random is Billy Madison period? It’s randomly brilliant. All of it was. However, that Adam is gone now. That’s not a diss, it’s reality. I’m not talking about his evolution into Adam the actor. This is not about Punch Drunk Love, or even Spanglish. Actually, Spanglish I hated but it gets a pass because of Paz Vega. It’s awesome when a movie introduces you to a foreign actress that is the new hot thing to you, and then you find out that she’s been doing explicit nudity in her country for years. It’s like a naked Christmas present. Monica Bellucci and Thandie Newton are in this club. Anyway, this is about The Longest Yard, Click, Bedtime Stories and so on. All of those movies had their moments, but it hasn’t been the same. I saw them all in the theaters and they all pissed me off. I’m sure he made bank for them, and that’s cool. But sue me if I want to see him grab the old time crew and get a little silly again.

3. The horror of the “Fat Font” movie.

Fat Font movies. You know them. Wild Hogs. College Road Trip. Stuff like that. When I say “Fat Font” I mean the actual font size that the title uses on billboards and posters. These billboards and posters often times feature big name actors in comedic action positions. It’s as if the studio wants you to know that they really didn’t try on this one. They’re saying generic font, generic premise, actors you know, now go see it. Meanwhile, movies like 40 Year Old Virgin and The Hangover actually hook you with the poster. They can’t rest on the weight of the stars, so they have to push creativity into every aspect of the film including the marketing. It’s not exact, I mean you could argue that Wedding Crashers was a Fat Font movie. Four Christmasses definitely was and I actually enjoyed that one. But usually they suck. I actually wasn’t sure that Grown Ups was Fat Font until I saw this poster.

Look at that. That’s Fat Font baby, no dice.

4. Summer 2010

This summer has gotten off to a horrific start in terms of movies. I knew that it would be this way when Iron Man 2 was only half good. I love going to the movies, but due to the economic climate, I can’t keep subsidizing all this C+ cinema. Normally Grown Ups could have been an overflow movie, one that gets my bread strictly because I am used to going to the theaters. However, this can only happen in a summer where there are enough good films to make you want to go every single weekend. Then you get used to going, and then you take a couple of chances you normally wouldn’t take. Actually, in summers like this terrible one, you are more inclined to MISS good stuff because you’re not taking chances. About midway through Prince of Persia: Sands of Time I realized what summer 2010 was gonna be all about. I was actually looking forward to it then at that fatal 40 minute mark, which is normally the time that you begin to ask yourself “wait, is this gonna suck?” I decided I would put myself on a summer 2010 pitch count. A pitch count is a baseball term for when a pitcher, normally young or coming off of injury is told that his game will only consist of a set amount of pitches. You get the ball, but when you hit 95 tosses you’re done. This crappy summer is on a 6 movie pitch count. I don’t see Grown Ups finding the strike zone.

5. The Salma Hayek tease

I saw her in the trailer. I know she’s not going to be in the film much and I don’t appreciate it.  Her mammary glands are lustful and inspiring. I found it personally insulting to include her in the trailer and in the movie itself, when it’s obvious she’ll be underused. She needs her own movies, ones where she can feel free to be free (of clothing). I actually have a script I wrote for her. It’s a movie starring her, Beyonce, Jessica Biel, Zoe Saldana, Ciara, and Kim Kardashian in her breakthrough performance. It’s called The Colony of Us. It’s about a group of women from all different walks of life who have problems with guys and family and  who need to find themselves and blah blah blah, anyway they all end up at a nudist colony together. In this colony Salma is the leader and she has to teach the other girls the finer points of being nude, like nude sun bathing, nude singing and nude dancing. In reality about 60 percent of the movie would be nude dancing. They also would have group therapy sessions that would most likely end up with them hugging it out. Roughly 20 percent of the movie would be them hugging it out. If made correctly, I think this film easily has a shot at Avatar. Most men would flock to go see it multiple times, and if they’re honest with themselves, most women would too.

Anyway, no Grown Ups for me. However, I encourage people to NOT join me in my prejudice. Dr. King taught us that prejudice was bad unless you live in Arizona, then it’s the law. All of the principles of Grown Ups are stand up guys so you could do worse than seeing the movie. As for me, I’ll see you guys Wednesday night at Twilight: Eclipse with my homeboy two buck Chuck at my side. I might just give you a drunken review on it. Hell eff yeah.