All Up In That (Re) Booty

This past weekend I pulled off a rare feat. A feat that I usually reserve for the fall when nothing is going on, but one that I had to attempt because my summer just hasn’t found its legs yet. This feat, this wonder of modern modernness involves seeing two new movies in one weekend. Yeah, I freakin did it. I saw The A-Team on Friday night, and on Sunday, I caught The Karate Kid. First off two quick reviews….

Karate Kid –

Just slap me in the face the next time you want to disrespect me Will Smith. Save me the money and just walk up to me and slap my mouth apart. Your kid has talent I grant you that, you want to flex the muscles of nepotism and give him a movie, fine. That’s America. Next time, just try not to spit on my nostalgia . It was okay. He beat up Asians, they beat him up. There was no Johnny Lawrence though. No Cobra Kais. After seeing this film, pain existed in the Dojo of my heart . Just make a new movie for your kid. Don’t eff with me and my memories.

The A Team –

Explosions. Bradley Cooper worked out for the part. No rear shots of Jessica Biel. The End.

After my miraculous two movie weekend I began to think about Hollywood and this reboot/remake craze. At first I felt like it didn’t really bother me. Then I got home and read that Emma Roberts has just signed on to star in a Scream reboot. Ummm, Scream came out when I was in the 11^th grade, I’m 30 now. This is getting out of hand. Lots of movies are cool to reboot I think. I have no issues with a lot of them. Seeing a new take on Freddy kind of gets you, he’s an iconic character. A new Red Dawn? No problem, new world enemies, could be cool. But a movie that is 14 years old, that had its last sequel come out like ten years ago? I mean, all the original actors in Scream could pretty much revise their roles for the reboot thanks to the miracle of plastic surgery and the horror of career stagnation. What is Matthew Lillard doing now? Hanging out, that’s what.

So, I’m not sure where I stand with the reboot. But I also realize that I don’t completely understand the craze. So, to better understand the reboot and its virtues and potential pitfalls, I categorized what I feel like are the three different types of reboots.

First off we have The Mulligan Reboot

For you non- golfers, a Mulligan is when you eff a shot up so bad that you can’t work with it. I mean, you shanked it soooo bad that the players you’re playing with just go, “You know what bro, let’s forget that that ever happened.” They give you another chance because they know that you can’t suck that bad. This happens in film as well. For example, Ang Lee screwed up The Hulk. He screwed it right up. He made the big green guy into a psychological thriller. We don’t need that Ang. Since Ang proved that he was too smart for the movie, they just pretended like his didn’t exist. Ed Norton then got his shot in a movie called The Incredible Hulk which was only slightly better. This type of reboot has happened a couple other times as well. There was also The Punisher which despite being ridiculous did accomplish three things. It reminded us to hate John Travolta again, drove Thomas Jane to a future on HBO, and was so horrible that it compelled Marvel to reboot it a couple years later with an equally bad film called Punisher: War Zone. There are more Mulligan reboots lined up, including a new Superman project, thanks to Bryan Singer driving one into the ruff back in 2006. If you notice, a lot of these Mulligan reboots are comic book movies. This proves that you never want a fanboy caddying for you. He won’t let you live with a bad shot.

Then we have The Shadow Reboot

I saw a great movie once. It was about a law enforcement dude who had to go undercover to stop a ring of criminals. He like them was addicted to adrenaline, so he bought into their hard partying lifestyle and the way they got their kicks. Before you know it, he was dating a girl connected to their leader who just so happened to be a criminal whose dedication to family and friends the cop dude kinda admired. Everyone born after 1985 is thinking “Yeah man, I loved The Fast and The Furious too!” Well, I’m not talking about that silly car movie. I’m talking about a real classic. I’m talking about Point Break. TFATF is a Shadow Reboot, basically a point by point plot jack of an already known movie that normally is a cult favorite. You brighten it up, make it new and release it. In this case, you make the surfing in Point Break, street racing in TFATF, and change bank robbing to robbing trucks. It happens more than you think. Wasn’t last year’s Channing Tatum vehicle Fighting just a prettier version of Jean Claude Van Damme’s insanely entertaining 1990 film Lionheart? Think about it, white boy running away from something ends up in the big city. He can fight. A slick talking black dude gets him involved in illegal fighting for cash, he finds meaning in the fighting. There is a woman and a child. He wins the big fight in the end. This describes both movies to a tee, except for the fact that Van Damme is a badass and Tatum is an underwear model.

Lastly, there is the The Moola Reboot

These movies will always be rebooted. They feature really popular characters like Batman, Superman and Captain James T. Kirk.  These films have the double whammy of being potentially the most entertaining and the most disappointing reboots. Every director and every studio wants to make these movies because they are almost guaranteed to make money no matter how bad they suck. Sometimes they produce jewels like Batman Begins, and Star Trek. Sometimes they blow, a la Superman Returns. Now that Spider Man is going back to high school, count him amongst the ranks of a Moola Rebootable character. Our children will be seeing Spider Man movies and Batman movies and all types of other crap. Rebooting these movies is kinda like having sex with a Porn Star. Even if turns out bad, you’ll probably try it again, because it always seems like a good idea.

Well, that’s it. That’s the three as I see them. Sure, you could argue that there are more, like the Classic Movie Reboot like in the case of Ocean’s Eleven. Or the This Character Unexpectedly Became Popular So Let’s Milk It For All It’s Worth Reboot which applies to movies like Red Dragon. On Red Dragon I have to say this now that I have a forum. Please never remake/reboot a movie directed by Michael Mann with one directed by Brett Ratner. I’m not even a Brett hater, yet I realize that scenario like being married to Beyonce and cheating with Lil’ Kim. You are not allowed to responsibly fall that far off. Anyway, I guess I’m okay with the reboot/remake mania, even if he keeps guys like me from getting my scripts read. I only wish I were a studio head, so that I could make the type of reboots that I want. Like a reboot of The Godfather franchise starring the cast of Gossip Girl. Or better yet, how about a new Lethal Weapon series set in Toronto this time and starring Zach Efron and Nick Cannon with John Singleton at the helm. OMG, that might be the the best thing I’ve ever thought off. Anyway, somebody make that happen. It could be in the reboot hall of fame, along with Rollerball.