Dear Hollywood: Please Stop Ruining My Childhood

When I was a wee lad back in 1984 my absolute favorite movie was The Karate Kid. I saw it five times in the theater and would’ve gone more if not for my paltry weekly allowance. I wanted to learn karate. I wanted to drive a yellow convertible. I wanted a short Japanese handyman to teach me how to find focus and achieve balance. Oh, and I wanted to ram my little fists of fury into the asshole faces of Johnny Lawrence and John Kreese.

Hollywood’s decision to remake The Karate Kid with Will Smith’s pissant kid and the overexposed Jackie Chan came as little surprise, but it still makes my blood boil. Do execs really believe dudes my age are going to pay hard-earned money to see a retread 26 years after the original? Do they really believe Jaden Smith can fill Ralph Macchio’s Gi? Do they really believe Chan can hold a candle to the great Pat Morita? Sadly, I guess they do.

Normally all these ridiculous remakes and adaptations cause me to simply sigh or chuckle. Not this time. Listen, I’m not placing The Karate Kid on the same pedestal as 2001 or Citizen Kane, but rebooting the franchise is a slap in the face to anyone associated with the original. It was the perfect ’80s movie and should be left alone. Needless to say, I hope the 2010 version tanks and is lambasted by critics and moviegoers.

Considering this summer’s box office is in the dumper and bad ideas like Robin Hood, Prince of Persia, MacGruber and Marmaduke are being labeled miserable failures due to audiences steering clear, I sincerely hope The Karate Kid 2010 suffers the same fate. I’m not calling for organized boycotts at multiplexes because that’s just silly, but refusing to acknowledge its existence will suffice.

If anyone shares the same fond memories I have for Daniel Larusso and Mr. Miyagi, then do the right thing and avoid this latest attempt by studios to bilk more cash from a past success. And for Pete’s sake, don’t drag your kids, illegitimate or otherwise, to what promises to be a steaming pile of shit. Join me in putting a foot down and saying no to the remake madness that is plaguing Tinseltown.

Whether the overpaid suits admit it or not, audiences and consumers still wield a great deal of power. If we all thumb our collective noses at the morons who keep greenlighting trash like The Karate Kid 2010, they will be forced to get off their asses and start developing and marketing original screenplays with new and exciting characters. And if they don’t, then they’ll be out of a job.

My hope is that the Summer of Shit will expand into this weekend. My hope is that receipts plummet again. Not because I want movie theaters to feel the pinch, but because I desperately want the public to flash a giant middle finger to those responsible for ruining one of my most treasured childhood memories. Fuck you Hollywood for remaking The Karate Kid. Have you no shame? Stupid question… of course you don’t.