Predicting The Order Of Death In Predators

I’ll be checking out Predators tomorrow. I’m not expecting anything groundbreaking, but man vs. alien flicks have always been my cup of tea, so it should make for a fun trip to the theater. To make it an even more enjoyable experience, I’m going to play a little game and try to predict the order in which the group of nine soldiers, mercenaries and convicts will die. Me and a couple of my film school chums used to play this while watching horror movies back in the day. Since I’m severely out of practice, I figured now would be the perfect time to brush up on my prognosticating skills. This could get bloody, but here it goes.

First: Hanzo

Played by: Louis Ozawa Changchien

Hanzo is a Yakuza assassin. That means something on the streets of Tokyo, but very little on a planet inhabited by vicious Predators. I suspect Hanzo will try to best them with a blade. Bad move. He’ll get gutted by one of those nasty double-pronged claws.

Second: Stans

Played by: Walton Goggins

Stans used to be on death row at San Quentin. He better enjoy his final minutes of freedom because he won’t last long. I’m sure he’s quite crafty, but Predators laugh at humans who try to outsmart them. Even Ah-nuld failed in that department. I expect Stans to perish via the spear.

Third: Mombasa

Played by: Mahershalalhashbaz Ali

An ex-Sierra Leone RUF death squad lieutenant? I bet he’s pretty handy with a machete. Kinda like Sonny Landham (Billy) in the original Predator. Well, we all know what happened to him.  He confronted the Pred and was put down with extreme prejudice. Mombasa will suffer a similar fate.

Fourth: Cuchillo

Played by: Danny Trejo

This is a tough one. Trejo has some heat right now and he’s a “name,” so he could last ’till the end. Then again, the filmmakers could pull a Steven Seagal in Executive Decision and kill him first. I say he hangs around a bit, but drug enforcers don’t normally fare too well on the big screen. I envision him losing a limb at some point.

Fifth: Nikolai

Played by: Oleg Taktarov

Let’s hope there’s no vodka on the planet or Nikolai might be tempted. Ya know, ’cause he’s Russian, and Russians like to drink vodka. Never mind. I’m calling him the dark horse of the bunch. He should probably buy it much earlier, but I think he lingers for a while and dies a noble death.

Sixth: Edwin

Played by: Topher Grace

Even though he plays a deranged serial killer, I imagine Topher was cast to provide some much needed levity to the proceedings. Funny dudes have a tendency to stick around. It also helps his character is a doctor, so he’ll be useful patching wounds. He could make it out alive if not for his glasses. Guys in glasses are easy targets. Except for Matt Hooper in Jaws.

Last to die: Noland

Played by: Laurence Fishburne

Morpheus can’t die! He’s the biggest name in the flick. True dat. But he’s also a worthy candidate to sacrifice himself in heroic fashion in order to save others. I see a final showdown between he and one of the biggest and baddest Preds. It won’t end well for him, but he won’t go out like a punk.

Who survives: Royce an Isabelle

Played by: Adrien Brody and Alice Braga

To be fair, I read where Brody was talking about doing sequels, so it’s safe to say he gets off the planet. As for Braga, she has to make it out alive in order to keep the pattern intact. Latin chick Elpidia Carrillo survived the first movie, and Latin chick Maria Conchita Alonso survived the second movie, so logic dictates Latin chick Braga will be left standing when the smoke clears. Plus, she’s really hot.

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I’ll be lucky to get two right, but I had fun playing.