ALL ACROSS AMERICA – Farewell to Blockbuster, the former video and DVD monopoly that reportedly left thousands homeless thanks to its ridiculous late fees and new release rates. The movie rental staple is apparently on the verge of bankruptcy, and it appears that nobody is about to throw them a life preserver anytime soon.
Farewell to the company that once charged my brother and I (read: our dad) $177.64 for a late copy of House Party 2, inspiring the two of us — roughly 11 and 9 at the time — to rename the ruthless home video superpower “Cockbuster.” Only Pizza Hut and Taco Bell (Pizza Slut and Toxic Hell) earned more derogatory names during our childhood. The only blue-and-gold entity that’s ever even approached being that overrated is the Michigan football team. That’s not counting Spencer Pratt, who’s gotten his ass beat and pissed himself on many occasions. Back when I was in college, I actually remember answering the phone and hearing a girl’s voice and praying that she said “I’m three weeks late” instead of “Rounders is three weeks late.” Nobody stalks like Blockbuster used to — not even Buzzsaw, Dynamo and Professor Subzero.
Many Americans well forever hate the Miami Dolphins, because the scumbag who first owned Blockbuster also used to own that team. Thanks a lot, Wayne Huizanga. Ray Finkle is my hero. Your company put pockmarks on our credit reports that were reminiscent of the ones that fill your Noriegaesque cheeks. Was it really that big of a deal that Deep Blue Sea was eight measly days overdue? You should have paid me for renting that piece of garbage, not vice versa. Hell, some of my exes still had dozens of my movies when we split and I just let it go. Your company makes more used to make more in one hour than I’ll probably make in my entire life. Nonetheless, you made your fortune going after each late rental like you were Gollum pursuing the Precious.
Perhaps the reason why most of us will enjoy your inevitable death is because there wasn’t an original bone in your business. Your original model was just to take the existing DVD rental store concept and simply provide more of everything. More space, more copies, more expensive and most of all more late fees. The only things you didn’t provide more of were foreign titles and satisfied customers. I once asked a clerk if they had a foreign section and the employee responded, “I think we have Brazil and Casablanca in stock.” After Netflix realized that people were desperately seeking a Blockbuster alternative and capitalized on the huge potential of DVDs via mail, you ripped them off. Unsuccessfully, I might add. Then Redbox came along and perfected the DVD kiosk and now you’ve attempted to jack their concept as well. It’s so sad that you’ll have installed roughly just over half the DVD rental machines you expected to this year by the time 2010 wraps up. Since you’ve ripped off essentially everyone, we’ll just go ahead and return the favor by ripping off the toe tag before you’re buried six feet under.
Although our hearts will forget you tomorrow, our buttholes will never forget you. I don’t think one of your videotapes — shoved in sideways like our arses were VCR slots, mind you — could have stretched our O-rings out as much as you did with your late fees. Hopefully, your death will not be in vain, and future companies hoping to monopolize a lucrative niche industry by raping decent, hard-working Americans will think twice about doing so. We were simply looking for entertainment. If we wanted to get ripped off we could have filled that void at home by calling the Home Shopping Channel. There was also Hubert the door-to-door vacuum salesman. At least he was struggling to eat and had an excuse.
Good riddance, Blockbuster. You were a yellow company that made millions of us feel blue. Most of us won’t come to the open casket wake you are currently holding at the locations you haven’t yet closed. We might throw a party, however, when the casket is finally slammed shut. Entertainment will of course be provided by Netflix.
P.S. – Netflix, I love you, but if you don’t start giving waiting list priority to the people who actually pay the most instead of the least, we are going to have a problem, too.