The Harry Potter movies were pretty successful, if I remember correctly. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t get redone as part of Hollywood’s quest to never come up with a new idea ever again. But this time we’ll recast them with American audiences in mind. First thing we need to tackle is the length. We’re going to take all the movies, there’s like a dozen of them, and cut them down into one movie. Second, instead of using actors and actresses mostly from the United Kingdom, we’re going to use actors and actresses from the United States.
At the heart of the Harry Potter books and movies is the friendship between Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Our US HP will fill these rolls with Logan Lerman, Zac Efron, and Chloe Grace Moretz. Logan has already demonstrated his fantasy acting chops in Percey Jackson: Sea of Monsters. Zac Efron could totally go ginger and we know Chloe can kick butt.
Harry wouldn’t have gotten anywhere in life without his teachers at Hogwarts. Grandfatherly Dumbledore is now played by Ed O’Neill. If he can keep the Prichett clan together than he can keep those wizard kids in line. Minerva McGonagall is played by Meryl Streep. There’s already Oscar buzz. Hairy Hagrid is a perfect fit for Jorge Garcia. Dobby the House Elf is voiced by Jason Segel. We’ll use the Gollum motion-capture system to use Jason Segel’s movements too. There’s Oscar buzz about this too. Sirius Black, persecuted and misunderstood, is a great roll for Forest Whitaker. Professor Severus Snape is Harry’s arch frienemy and would be played by Michael Keaton.
Life’s not all fun and games for Harry and friends. There are, naturally, some bad eggs out there who want to hurt Harry. Bellatrix Lestrange is now played by Elizabeth Banks. If anyone can fill Helena Bonham Carter’s crazy shoes it’s Banks. And, finally, there’s the ultimate bad guy Lord Voldermort. Who can exude the right amount of evil and malice? Bruce Willis, that’s who.