The third season of New Girl is just three episodes in and already so much has happened. Schmidt’s romantic juggling act imploded last week with a little help from Jess and Nick and now walks the earth and his crowded apartment. At the end of “Double Date”, Schmidt vowed to avenge his affairs’ demise by brokering Nick’s and Jess’ break-up. The happy couple that guilt-tripped him into confessing his three-pronged affair to Cece and Elizabeth (both largely and conspicuously absent from tonight’s episode) surely will have it tough in the upcoming episodes.
This week delivered on Schmidt’s promise. He starts off slow and passive in his attempts to create a fissure between Nick and Jess but as the half hour continues, his plans become a lot more outrageous, desperate and hilarious. A month has passed since Nick and Jess became a couple and Schmidt marks the occasion with a vanilla on vanilla “1” cake to mark the anniversary. Needless to say, Nick and Jess don’t fall for the pitiful attempt at subversion.
When the cake fails and when Schmidt learns of Nick’s sexual dysfunction (not even Jess going full body Papa Smurf can arise the frustrated roommate), he busts out the big guns and reveals to Jess that Nick digs The Captain, a sexual maneuver so belittling, offensive and rough that the particulars are still shrouded in mystery. The only things we know for sure about this infamous move are dolphin sounds, total darkness and extreme cleaning afterwards.
The incident compells Nick to finally reveal his feelings to Jess after sex. In fact, he welcomes this new practice so much, it starts to get in the way of his intimate encounters with Jess and she rightly assures him that he doesn’t have to do it all the time! She wants her bra off and to show you your two favorite planets, Nick! Don’t disappoint her!
Schmidt eventually is compelled to “rain celibacy” in the apartment by cutting up Nick’s condoms and fearlessly ingest Jess’ birth control pills. Jess’ and Nick’s relationship strengthens and Schmidt becomes all the more aware of his prominent breasts.
All of this is great, but the real star of the episode is without a doubt Winston’s misadventures with his newly acquired cat, Ferguson.
He laments his cat’s upcoming procedure that will leave him unable to feel the full, gloriousness of sex and begins to search for a mate. Euphemisms run amok at a pet store when Winston finds a pretty fellow (female) cat owner looking for another (male) cat owner to spend time with. He lures the girl (and her cat) to his room where his cat brothel can become realized. It doesn’t take long for the girl to figure out that Winston’s intentions are focused more on can sex than human sex and she is quickly scarred out of the apartment.
Winston’s misadventures with his cat have quickly become the highlight of the young season and I hope the writers can keep them going for as long as possible. And hopefully they lead Winston into a new and meaningful relationship.
Schmidt, by episode’s end, is starting to take responsibility for his affairs and tries to reconcile with Cece (but, curiously, not Lizzy) via a note under her door which backfires and provides for nothing more than someplace to throw away gum. It’s a genuine scene at the end of a very physical and slapstick-filled episode that signifies that Schmidt will have a lot of work to do to regain trust with his roommates, friends and women in his life.
His plans to subvert Nick and Jess seem to have already come to an end. Hopefully next week’s “The Box” will have Schmidt face his problems a little more directly than he’s known for.
Side note: as a fellow “Zaniac”, I gladly would’ve joined Schmidt’s Billy Zane fan club after Titanic hit theaters in ’98 and I’m not afraid to admit it.