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How to Live Your Hollywood Dream (and Not Be Sean Penn's Butt Double)

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In this era of instant connectivity, the number of chances to live your Hollywood dream has become greater than ever. Now, with the Internet, you don’t have to travel to Hollywood if you want to be a star, which is good. Not all who have made the trek to California have actually made it to the Golden State. Some have taken a wrong turn and either ended up in Oregon or worse, Idaho. Those lucky few that have made it, have toiled in obscurity, either being Sean Penn’s butt double or Slut #2 in Justin Bieber’s vendetta against the music industry, otherwise known as a new album. This way, you can stay at home and not have to waste so much gas to be exploited. So, without further ado, we at FlickSided are proud to present the five ways the Internet can help you pursue a Hollywood career without leaving your home.

1. A blog. You’re funny. You know it, I know it and, if Mr. Producer would just read your script, he’d know it, too. This is where the Internet will come in handy. Start a blog. If you’re lacking in ideas, maybe start one about the Chicago sports scene. Except for the Blackhawks, it is freaking hilarious and there are no end of jokes to had. If you’re not a sports fan, then you’re just going to have to make the funny up yourself. Politicians are hilarious. Some of them are proof that the human race got tired along the way of evolving and just said “Never mind, I think I’ll go back.” Start a blog and be funny. Hollywood executives surf the Internet a lot. How else do you think the get their porn? If you’re lucky, the search criteria on your blog will be very similar to “Mimi Rogers naked” and the rest will inevitably take care of itself.

2. Make a film and post it. This is a little trickier. Your film has to be catchy. There are hot button keywords that will catch anyone’s attention. The problem is knowing what they are. They change quite frequently and without warning. Who is Kristen Stewart, again? It was vampires, then zombies kind of took over. You could try a film about a newly wed couple that moves into an apartment and their neighbors are a husband and wife vampire couple and husband and a zombie couple. It’s like The Jeffersons for the modern era and, if you can’t Interest a movie producer, there is always the CW. They just lap up that crap.

3. Enter a screenplay contest. Maybe you aren’t the filmmaker type. After all, George Lucas and Alfred Hitchcock didn’t like actors. They are needy, emotional and sensitive. On the French film Blue is the Warmest Colour, actresses Lea Seydoux and Adele Exarchopoulos, along with the crew, complained about the director being a tyrant. You’re a control freak and, if they thought Abdellatif Kechiche was bad, wait until they get a load of you. In your amateur movie, you couldn’t afford make up so you hired actual zombies and you made them cry, so much so, no zombies will work with you again. Screenwriting is the way you want to go. You find some reputable contests. Just remember these few screenplay rules and you’re guaranteed success. Short. Sentences. No Dialogue. Action sequences every 1.3 pages and Channing Tatum. All these have been worked out in a committee so there is no point in arguing.

4. A sex tape. When in doubt, celebrity always works. Accidentally leak a sex tape of you onto the Internet, tweet it, put it on Facebook, load it on Youtube and Pinterest, start a Google group. There is no end of avenues you can plaster your pasty white butt to. The point is you have more talent than Kim Kardashian but then again who doesn’t? Just remember, Traci Lords translated doing porn into a film career, as did Sasha Grey. It’s worth a shot if nothing else. But be careful. Make sure whoever you’re doing it with signs a release form. I don’t know why, but some tend to get upset when they see their sex life splashed over the internet. You could try saying it’s reality TV but even that may not fly.

5. Find others like you. The world is full of film failures. Get enough of them together and you maybe do what you couldn’t do by yourself. It takes an army to make a film, just make sure that in that army you gather, there is no one smarter than you. The ground is littered with dead revolutionaries who invited the egghead along because he had a few good ideas, only to find he has taken control of your army in a counter-revolution and you’re back in Kankakee bagging groceries.

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Tags: Movies

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