If only Meryl Streep and Daniel Day-Lewis took after Lindsay Lohan and Shia LeBeouf. The world would be an entirely different, more fun place to live. Let’s start with Meryl Streep and see where she would have gone had she added a little Lindsay to her diet.
With 18 Academy Award nominations in 35 years, Streep holds the record as the most nominated actor in history. As well, Streep also has received 28 Golden Globe nominations, of which she won eight, again more than anyone. Boring, right? Lindsay on the other hand was in a movie with Danny Trejo. Imagine, then, if Danny Trejo had been in Silkwood. For those of you who don’t remember, Silkwood was about nuclear whistleblower Karen Silkwood who died in a suspicious car accident while investigating alleged wrongdoing at the Kerr-McGee plutonium plant where she worked. Needless to say, Hollywood would have departed from reality and Karen Silkwood, while being chased by bad guys would have stopped at a stoplight and Danny Trejo would have jumped in. After a lengthy car chase, they would have ended up back at the plant, where Trejo would have casually gotten out of the car and kicked serious middle-management butt. A side effect would have been that, instead of making the AFI’s top 100 heroes, Karen Silkwood would have to play second fiddle to Trejo’s portrayal of Javier, the janitor who saves the day. AFI would then have been sent into a state of flux and maybe not have released so many ridiculous lists.
What about Lindsay? What if she caught a little Meryl Streep? Certainly, The Iron Lady would be turned on its head. Margaret Thatcher would have scandalized parliament by not wearing underwear and doing coke in the bathroom. John Major would have definitely tried to get with her and the invasion of the Falkland Islands would have finally made sense: Margaret Thatcher was stoned.
Daniel Day-Lewis is one of the most acclaimed actors of his generation. He has won three best actor Academy Awards for My Left Foot, There Will Be Blood, and Abraham. He has been knighted by Elizabeth II for his services to drama. On a similar vein, Shia LeBeouf has been in three Michael Bay films. Though technically American, LeBeouf’s work in the Transformers has proved he is fully servicing drama. Imagine it. Daniel Day-Lewis channels his inner LeBeouf and becomes Sam Witwicky. Transformers becomes a cultural phenomenon. Optimus Prime has to bring his A-game. He gets nominated for an Academy Award and wins. The mechs take over and, every summer, Michael Bay films pollute the big screen.
Shia LeBeouf, on the other hand, gets serious and quits talking about being naked in Nymphomaniac. In fact, he doesn’t even make the movie. Dejected, Lars von Trier gives up filmmaking all together and turns to computer programming, where he discovers porn. A very serious Shia emerges from the shadows, with the help of Paul Thomas Anderson, with the masterpiece, There Will Be Shia LeBeouf. It is based on the obscure Upton Sinclair alternative version of his seminal novel The Jungle, which he rewrote to accommodate future Hollywood screen adaptations. It tells the story of Shia LeBeouf, silver miner-turned-oilman, and his ruthless quest not to be in another film with Megan Fox.
All things considered, we are lucky this is only a what-if scenario. Can you imagine Lindsay Lohan trying to put on an Australian accent?