The Guardians of the Galaxy, the movie that made numerous teenaged boys forget about porn for an entire summer, is set to be preserved for posterity by the Library of Congress. Usually it takes years, plus three drooling French critics, for a movie to gain the type of cultural significance that Guardians has achieved in such short order. The movie, a part of the meticulous Marvel plan to make guys in tights socially acceptable, has broken box office records right and left, healed the blind and put a lot of girls with Webcams out of business. The ceremony will take place in Asgard and will be attended by all the important people in the comic book world not named Stan Lee. The success of the movie caught many off guard, but Marvel, prepared for all eventualities, deployed the Hypno-Hustler in advance of screenings and sat back to watch the money come rolling in.
The head of the Library of Congress, in a surprising move, dumped its entire catalog out the back door in preparation of Guardians arrival. “Culture didn’t begin until Guardians of the Galaxy was released,” he was heard telling the Library’s security guard who was dressed up as Groot.
As word of a sequel spread across the internet, movie theaters have been preparing armed guards and Woody Allen films to keep unruly crowds at bay. Since the tragedy of the opening week, when one crazed fan was so excited by the movie that he exploded, theater owners have taken extra precautions to make sure all their customers keep coming back, time and time again.
Meanwhile, director James Gunn is busy working on the sequel and no longer has to use the line, “I’m Sean Gunn’s brother,” to pick up girls, not that that worked anyway. Proclaimed a genius by every creepy kid in America, along with his mom, Gunn will look to capitalize on his success and make more juvenile movies.