I’ve always liked Dan Aykroyd. He’s a funny dude, a decent comedic actor and scores major bonus points for snagging Donna Dixon at the height of her hotness back in 1983. I guess he’s living proof a sense of humor combined with a fat bank account can take you places.

In his spare time, Aykroyd is a consultant for the Mutual UFO Network, a non-profit organization that probes reported UFO sightings. It seems that Danny boy believes aliens not only exist, but have been abducting humans for decades.

Here he is talking to Larry King on the very subject (Via Warming Glow).

I know what you’re thinking — Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I thought the same, until I did a little investigating on my own.

After conducting twenty minutes of intense research, I’ve concluded the impending alien invasion Aykroyd speaks of may already be under way. Here is some of the shocking photo evidence I uncovered.

After British Prime Minster Gordon Brown's resignation.

Game Six of the NHL Eastern Conference Semi-Finals.

The stock market plunge on May 6.

The Iceland volcano last month.

Political upheaval. Shocking sports upsets. Economic collapse. Devastating natural disasters. Are these events mere coincidences? I think not. The invasion has begun. They are here. The truth is out there.

Screw this… I’m heading for Aykroyd’s place. I hear he’s got a wicked cool fallout shelter underneath his house. Who’s with me?

Earlier this month, NASA announced that it was beginning an initiative to actively seek out extraterrestrial life. Basically, they want to find Aliens and be pals with them. To some this may seem exciting and groundbreaking, but to me it seems like the premise of a rather chilling and disturbing Roland Emmerich disaster flick. Almost immediately after the plan was announced, super smart guy Steven Hawking weighed in and said it was a bad idea. No disrespect to Hawking but I didn’t need him to tell me this. Hollywood already did. I know you’re all aware of the most violent examples of Human/Alien discourse; War of the Worlds, Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, stuff like that. But let’s look deeper. Let’s look at some of the unknown lessons from Hollywood’s less infamous Alien offenders.

1. Starman (1984)

This film stands alone as a singular testament to the virtue of interstellar segregation. First off, Starman comes to earth in the form of some poor widow’s dead husband. Nice Starman, real sensitive. Secondly, he shows up naked. Right, so you mean to tell me you can travel light years to get here, but you can’t figure out that we wear clothing? Sure Starman. You just wanted to show your Alien Fleshmaster to everyone. Learn our ways before you come down here to have adventures. Do your homework about our planet. Lazy Alien Scum.

2.  Cocoon (1985)

So let’s get this straight. Aliens come to Earth 10,000 years ago, take the time to make a city here, then resurface in the eighties with the grand plan to make old people feel strong and live forever? Wow. I can see why they would want to do that, I mean, it’s not like we had other problems in ’85. The Soviet Union wasn’t pointing 1200 nukes at us. Crack Cocaine wasn’t tearing up the streets, we didn’t have record inflation or anything. Everything was peachy keen, so it’s totally ok for the visitors from planet Antarea to concentrate their advanced technology on the immense task of helping Don Ameche do a back flip into a swimming pool. Prioritize Aliens.

3. E.T. (1982)

I wasn’t fooled by this one either. What you probably see is an adorable visitor with an iconic communication problem. You’d help him most likely. Give him an iPhone or perhaps some device on the Sprint Now Network. Whatev. What I see is a rabble rouser, an intergalactic trouble maker who landed here to turn kids against their parents. Think of the trouble he caused. Elliot got sick, the government had to get involved, costing the American tax payer thousands of dollars worth of man hours that could have been used on the Star Wars Program. E.T.’s rebellious doctrine also rubbed off on a young Drew Barrymore, as she would spend the next decade of her life snorting illicit substances and exposing herself to David Letterman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LYV9AZNlFU. Thanks E.T. Thanks for being a role model. Aliens turning the youth against authority.

4. K-Pax (2001)

Besides providing us with the biggest WTF moment of Kevin Spacey’s career other than Pay It Forward, K-Pax proves to us that Aliens are entirely self centered and glib. In it, Spacey plays a dude who claims to be an alien but can’t prove it, so he gets thrown in a mental hospital. First off, you’re from another planet yet you can’t prove it? Get outta here with that. Do a trick to prove your origin. Shouldn’t your blood be purple or something? Admit it, you just like to be fawned over, you attention whore from the stars. Furthermore, you have no expertise in the area of mental health, so stop trying to help out the other patients in the institute. Speaking of that, who footed the bill for this Alien freeloaders stay in the Psyche ward? As the Health Care debate here rages on, can we really afford an impostor psychologist from an obscure planet taking up space on the tab of the Government? Another failure for the Bush Administration.  Alien Shenanigans.

5. Avatar (2009)

You all may love them, but I for one have a big problem with the Na’vi. Yeah so, we came to their planet this time, I get it. But how about a little understanding? I know it’s a really rough life worshiping a tree and riding around on mythical beasts and stuff, but here on Earth we have something called a world economy. Out of respect for that, why didn’t they just give us the damn Unobtainium? I seriously doubt they needed it, unless it was vital in making tribal war paint or something. Selfish? Shortsighted? Disrespectful? I’ll take all three. What ensued was a major battle that claimed countless human lives, including a cougar’d out Sigourney Weaver, who could definitely still get love made to her on a hot night. This, plus turning Sam Worthington into the Uncle Tom of Humanity, makes me question how much love those Blue Jerkfaces have for us Homo Sapiens.  Let us mine what we need and we’ll get out of your way. Think about someone else for a change. Eff Hometree, Selfish overgrown Smurfs.

All of this together makes me say thanks but no thanks NASA. I don’t want any potentially violent but definitely socially challenged aliens complicating my life. I didn’t even mention Alien Nation, or the shocking oppression of They Live. Don’t get me started. Earth is for us.

“An express elevator to hell, going down.” That memorable line from James Cameron’s slam-bam sci-fi blockbuster perfectly encapsulates Aliens. Sigourney Weaver reprises her role as Ellen Ripley and goes head-to-head with an army of acid-for-blood-beasties with assistance from a squad of kick ass, but ultimately doomed, Colonial Marines. The pacing is intense and the thrills nonstop. Weaver kills playing an action heroine/protective mother in a performance that earned her a well-deserved Best Actress Oscar nomination. Aliens crosses genres and blows the fucking doors off any film that claims to be competition. It also holds up after almost twenty-five years.

Some of my favorite movies are ones that inspire me to ponder the mysteries of life. All it takes to get my gears spinning is a mind-blowing performance, an ingenuous script or the unique way a director frames a shot. More often than not though, it’s a simple quote that delivers the most impact. We all have memorable lines from countless flicks rattling around in our skulls. Some make us laugh, others serve as motivation, and a select few move us to think.

Whatever their meaning, these fictional phrases become permanently embedded in our individual personalities. They help define who we are and how we see the world. While many quotes can affect us on a personal level, there are plenty that are more universal. These are the go-to lines that steer us through the monotony of our daily routines. Here are ten that fit the bill.

10 – “Pain don’t hurt.”

Delivered by: Professional bouncer James Dalton in Road House.

Why it matters: We learn at an early age that a lot of stuff will cause us pain. It sucks, but it’s inevitable. Using Dalton’s Zen-like philosophy, we can disconnect the pain thus rendering it powerless. Works great when you slam your finger in the car door.

9 – “You dick!”

Delivered by: Surfer dude Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Why it matters: We will meet plenty of assholes and morons in our lifetime. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade and tell these purveyors of douchebaggery what you think of them. It might lead to a confrontation, but it beats being a doormat.

8 – “Look eye, always look eye.”

Delivered by: Martial arts master Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid.

Why it matters: You’ll get a lot further down life’s path if you look people in the eye. Don’t give them a reason to think you’re hiding something or that you’re not trustworthy. Show no fear. Stare them down like a professional fighter, minus the psychotic snarl.

7 – “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”

Delivered by: Dimwitted sage Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump.

Why it matters: You don’t have to be a genius to feel love. However, you do have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with its crushing effects.  Heartache and rejection will befall each and every one of us. Don’t let it defeat you. Be like Gump.

6 – “Stay frosty.”

Delivered by: Badass Colonial Marine Corporal Dwight Hicks in Aliens.

Why it matters: The worst thing you can do when you’re in a tight spot is panic and lose your water.  Keep a level head no matter the predicament. Unless it has to do with man-eating aliens with acid for blood. Then you can freak out and run for the hills.

5 – “Deserve’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”

Delivered by: Cold-blooded outlaw William Munny in Unforgiven.

Why it matters: Awful crap happens to everyone for no rhyme or reason. You could be the world’s greatest humanitarian or the world’s biggest villain. Don’t look for the “why.” You won’t find it. It’s a cruel fact of life that none of us are immune to tragedy.

4 – “I have a lot of problems… but they belong to me.”

Delivered by: Dysfunctional recluse Graham Dalton in Sex, Lies and Videotape.

Why it matters: I don’t know anyone that isn’t effed up a little bit. It doesn’t mean they should be fitted for a straitjacket. Got minor hangups? It’s normal. Got serious hangups? Might be a good idea to talk to someone. Locking yourself inside a self-imposed prison isn’t very healthy.

3 – “Never tell me the odds.”

Delivered by: Clever space smuggler Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back.

Why it matters: I used to gamble back in the day. Knowing the odds was critical. That being said, on occasion I picked instinct over logic and it paid off huge. Life is all about taking the plunge. Sitting back and playing it safe is for losers. Sometimes you gotta close your eyes and roll the dice.

2 – “I’m too old for this sh*t.”

Delivered by : Grizzled police Sergeant Roger Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon.

Why it matters: Getting old blows. Trust me when I say that a night of nonstop barhopping is much tougher to recover from at 35 than 25. If you’re not a youngster anymore, stop pretending to be one. You’ll end up looking like what you are — an old fool.

1 – “Time to die.”

Delivered by: Ruthless Replicant Roy Batty in Blade Runner.

Why it matters: No one gets out alive. The sooner we come to terms with that little nugget, the easier it will be to enjoy the time we are allotted. Roy Batty wanted more. Once he learned that wasn’t possible, he graciously accepted his fate and said goodbye.