One of the first things I did after discovering the wonders of high-speed Internet access was watch movie trailers. No more waiting to trek down to the nearest multiplex to see the latest previews of upcoming big screen bonanzas. They were all right there on my 15.4 inch monitor. It was fantastic.

I still enjoy taking in trailers, but normally if it’s a film I really want to see, I’ll steer clear. Unfortunately, the panicky Petes in Tinseltown are petrified at the prospect of no one showing up at the theater on opening day, so their best solution is to reveal pretty much the whole effing plot within the trailer itself. It’s really annoying, but me bitching isn’t going to change Hollywood’s nonsensical business practices.

The best trailers excel at piquing our interest just enough to get us to buy a ticket. I’ve coughed up cash before based solely on the merits of a two-minute teaser. Normally my shit detector is honed, but on occasion I get duped into paying for reeking garbage.

It sucks, but a great trailer doesn’t always translate into a great movie. So, from time to time here at FlickSided, I’m going to call out these mini masterpieces and compare them to their challenged feature-length brothers. First up, Jan de Bont’s 1996 natural disaster extravaganza, Twister.

The Good:

This beauty has it all: ominous narration, a slow build, lots of quick cuts transitioned with frames of black, mass destruction, cool font sliding onto the screen, a killer climax and a kick ass final shot that will make you run, not walk, to the closest theater. (Sadly, that tire through the windshield famously never made it into the final cut.)

When I first heard tornado movie, I thought B-flick all the way. That is until I saw the trailer. It made we want to check out the finished product. Little did I know I was in for a big disappointment.

The Bad (it’s only fitting the video quality is poor):

Holy shit, where do I begin? How about with this humdinger of a line: “The finger of God.” That’s how the merry band of storm chasers describe an F5 tornado. Those four words make me wanna stick my finger of God down my throat of God and hurl violently.

Even more douche-chilly would be fearless leader Bill, played by Bill Paxton, being called “The Extreme” because he causes “extreme ruage.” WTF!!! I think I snapped a synapse.

Naturally, Bill isn’t the only one with a moronic nickname. There’s “Rabbit” and “Preacher” and “Beltzer” and Dusty, which isn’t a nickname per say, but it’s appropriate for a movie called Twister, ya know, cause twisters kick up dust. BAAAAWWWWWAAAAA!!!!!

Awful writing aside, it’s quite the murderers’ row of actors in the above scene. Allow me to run down the team roster:

Paxton and Hunt: You know who they are, right?

Cary Elwes as Jonas: Westly in The Princess Bride.

Philip Seymour Hoffman as Dusty: Looking like Silent Bob and sounding like Jay. Kevin Smith must have written his dialogue.

Alan Ruck as Rabbit: Best known as Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Scott Thomson as Preacher: He’s the Finger of God guy. Also got Brad Hamilton fired from All-American Burger in Fast Times at Ridgemont High because he was taking a piss.

Todd Field as Beltzer: This cat directed In the Bedroom and Little Children, which combined to receive 8 Oscar nominations. Impressive.

Sean Whalen as Allan Sanders: Claim to fame is the “Got Milk” commercial in which he cannot pronounce Aaron Burr due to an overabundance of peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Joey Slotnick as Joey: Has appeared in episodes of Boston Public and Nip/Tuck.

Jeremy Davies as Laurence: Banged his mom in Spanking the Monkey, pussied out in Saving Private Ryan and contributed to the mindfuck that is Lost.

Jami Gertz as Melissa: The Lost Boys and Less Than Zero. Also couldn’t spare a square in an episode of Seinfeld.

Lois Smith as Aunt Meg: Starred in the ’70s classic Five Easy Pieces.

Not too shabby. Don’t get me wrong, this flick still sucks balls. Need further evidence? Here you go:

The Ugly:

Oh no, not Meg!! Who will cook the gang a cholesterol-packed artery-clogging breakfast of steak and eggs?

What’s the deal with Gertz’s hair helmet and ear raping accent? She makes me want to drive a 16-penny nail through my lower lip every time she appears on screen and opens her mouth. No wonder they kept the daffy bitch out of the trailer.

It’s also pretty effing conveinent that Melissa lets Bill go so he and Jo can get back together. Engaged one minute, allowing the man you love to bang his ex the next. Yeah, that would happen. Twister is a steaming pile of fetid feces.

That’s it for today pards and pardettes. Join me next month as I dissect another trailer that trumped the movie. Until then….