I probably can’t go a day without reciting a quote from one of my favorite movies. A noteworthy line of dialogue can act as an icebreaker, bolster a conversation, lighten the mood and on occasion, make you seem a lot funnier than you really are.

Everyone has their own supply of go-to lines for every social situation. Be it a first date, house party, work function or job interview. Although, I’d be careful about going to the well while searching for a job. I recall a few years back being asked to describe my then job duties, so I dropped this winner from Office Space:

“I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.”

Even though I delivered it with a smile, the guy didn’t see the humor. Little did he know I was being 100% honest. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. Oh well. It makes for a helluva story, which in the end, made it worthwhile.

Point is, we all quote movies from time to time. And the shorter the quote, the easier they are to remember. Some of cinema’s greatest lines have been only one or two words, like “Rosebud” from Citizen Kane or “They’re here” from Poltergeist. For purposes of this exercise, I’m going to focus on three-word quotes, and as you’ll see, there have been a bunch of winners throughout the years.

“Well, we’re waiting.”

Delivered by: Judge Smails in Caddyshack

Why it’s memorable: Smails is an impatient douche who can’t stand losing. Ted Knight’s classic expression and impeccable delivery made Smails one of the best comedic characters ever.

“Free your mind.”

Delivered by: Morpheus in The Matrix

Why it’s memorable: It’s those three words that transform Neo into The One. Once he starts to believe, he becomes a force to be reckoned with inside The Matrix. Whoa.

“We rob banks.”

Delivered by: Clyde Barrow in Bonnie and Clyde

Why it’s memorable: He says it with such pride, as if robbing banks were the best career choice one could make. And for young Bonnie and Clyde, it was.

“One million dollars.”

Delivered by: Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Why it’s memorable: The good doctor really thinks he’s sounding nefarious when he utters his ransom demands. Little does he know, the world economy has grown quite a bit since he was away.

“E.T. phone home.”

Delivered by: E.T. in E.T.The Extra-Terrestrial

Why it’s memorable: Like any lost kid, E.T.’s only wish is to return home to be with is family. I’d still like to know how much a phone call to the cosmos costs.

“Is it safe?”

Delivered by: Dr. Szell in Marathon Man

Why it’s memorable: Because it’s scary as shit. Dustin Hoffman’s character has no clue what Laurence Olivier’s sadistic Nazi war criminal is asking, but he gets tortured anyway.

“Time to die.”

Delivered by: Roy Batty in Blade Runner

Why it’s memorable: Roy knows his four-years are about up. He wants more life, but once he realizes that’s not possible, he accepts his fate and dies.

To be honest, I don’t give a shit that Hollywood might remake Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. I just needed an excuse to post a picture of Christina Applegate taking a bubble bath. She seems to be really stressed. Lucky for her, I give one helluva shoulder massage. Sit tight Christina… I’ll be right over.

Pajiba, via something called The Hollywood Cog is reporting a Babysitter remake has been shipped out to writers. I wish La-La Land scribes the best of luck. Recreating the same magic conjured in the original won’t be easy, but thanks to The Karate Kid‘s success at the box office, we can expect more of these kinds of retreads and reboots in the coming years. I’m bracing for the Better Off Dead and Mystery Date announcements any day now.

Good lord, just stick with the original.

The Karate Kid is about a 12-year-old from Detroit who moves to Beijing with his mom, he does his best to blend in without knowing a single word of Chinese, he develops a crush on a girl in his class, he winds up getting his ass kicked a lot by a group of kids who all take karate lessons from a sadistic maniac, and then he starts learning kung-fu from his building’s super so that he can kick their asses double time in a big ol’ martial arts tournament.

Now, it’s been a long time since I’ve watched the ’84 version that inspired this thing, but from what I remember in my youth, the story here isn’t all that different. Replace Cali with China, switch out Danny Larusso for a kid who’s just barely old enough to have gotten the “birds and the bees” talk, make Mr. Miyagi younger and give him a shady past, turn “wax on” to “jacket on”, and that should about do it. Whatever, it’s expected and the similarities aren’t exactly a drawback, but the big problem goes back to the guy who thought this thing needed to clock in at 132 minutes.

Really? What could writer Robert Mark Kamen possibly have to add to the subjects of karate and kids that would warrant such a lengthy experience and wasn’t already covered over the course of four movies? In a nutshell, nothing, and while it’s not quite on the same level as having to wade through all eight hours of Sex and the City 2, trust me, it’s noticeable.

So the plot is formulaic, some of the dialogue gets eye-rollingly corny towards the end and it takes a good hour or so before the actual training begins, but then again, the script isn’t the only thing to blame.

From the moment I saw the first trailer where Jaden Smith was throwing punches in a wife beater with his noodle arms, I wasn’t exactly won over by the sight. It’s just weird to watch a sweaty sixth-grader doing shirtless high kicks while showing off his semi-six pack in any setting and the kid doesn’t do much to convince me that I should find it cool either. I can see how folks might find him “cute”, but the kid just comes off as smug, like he’s hot shit and he knows it, and that’s not a good quality to have when you’re twelve, or ever. Seriously, enough with the popping and locking, drop the “too cool for school” shtick and forget that you’re The Fresh Prince’s son for a second. Jaden’s probably got some potential in there, but I couldn’t handle him as Dre Parker.

Taraji P. Henson is also pretty irritating as his overprotective and uber-smothering mom, but that’s more the script’s fault than hers.

Then again, the fight scenes are pretty good for the most part, mainly because Jackie Chan knows a thing or two about choreographing an unfair fight. The weird thing about it is the insanely rapid pace at which Dre goes from novice to perfect weapon without even really trying, and then there’s the whole final karate tournament where we find out that all the kids have been learning their techniques from the Tekken dojo.

Honestly, Bruce Lee couldn’t pull off the wacko moves these kids unleash on each other like it’s no big thing and as much as I want to say that it’s mostly entertaining, I couldn’t stop laughing to myself at how bonkers it got, the words “FINISH HIM!” even show up on-screen like it’s Mortal Kombat, Jr. Man, I’m still shaking my head thinking about Jaden’s update on the crane kick. Wait ’til you see it, beyond ridiculous.

But there are some saving graces, the first of which is the setting.

I’ve never been to China, and up until now that was fine by me, but this thing sure isn’t hurting their tourism industry any. Absolutely beautiful country all around, I’m shocked that this fact has eluded me all these years, and thanks to this, it’s been bumped up on the bucket list of places I need to go. 

And Jackie Chan’s actually pretty solid as the 21st Century Mr. Miyagi, Mr. Han. Easily the most interesting character of the bunch, the dude actually can kick some ass and watching him trounce a pack of teenage thugs without even throwing a punch just makes me feel like an idiot for ignoring Rumble in the Bronx all these years. He’s no Pat Morita, but he’s the best thing this movie’s got going for it.

I don’t know, the thing I keep wondering is why this movie was even made. Was there really a movement or a general desire amongst anyone out there who thought that it was high time someone remade The Karate Kid of all things? It’s not like the original feels dated or anything, so it just ends up feeling like what it is – another cash cow Hollywood remake. The Karate Kid isn’t terrible and I suppose it does have its moments, it just feels unnecessary is all. But there was a guy in the theater who literally clapped right through the entire last half hour, so who knows, this might just be the remake you’ve been waiting your whole damn life for.

VERDICT:
4/10 Leg Sweeps

 To read more reviews from Aiden Redmond, also be sure to check out Cut The Crap Movie Reviews. 

If you frequent this site, you know I have a major man crush on Ah-nuld. Because of that, FlickSided’s given you Arnie’s greatest quotes, a Schwarzenegger’s greatest hits inforgraphic and you know we’ll continue to serve up the Arnold goodness in the future. So, when the Governator offered his thoughts up on The Kung Fu Karate Kid, you knew we were going to post the video. OK, it’s not really him, but whoever imperso-narates over this trailer does a damn good job.

When I was a wee lad back in 1984 my absolute favorite movie was The Karate Kid. I saw it five times in the theater and would’ve gone more if not for my paltry weekly allowance. I wanted to learn karate. I wanted to drive a yellow convertible. I wanted a short Japanese handyman to teach me how to find focus and achieve balance. Oh, and I wanted to ram my little fists of fury into the asshole faces of Johnny Lawrence and John Kreese.

Hollywood’s decision to remake The Karate Kid with Will Smith’s pissant kid and the overexposed Jackie Chan came as little surprise, but it still makes my blood boil. Do execs really believe dudes my age are going to pay hard-earned money to see a retread 26 years after the original? Do they really believe Jaden Smith can fill Ralph Macchio’s Gi? Do they really believe Chan can hold a candle to the great Pat Morita? Sadly, I guess they do.

Normally all these ridiculous remakes and adaptations cause me to simply sigh or chuckle. Not this time. Listen, I’m not placing The Karate Kid on the same pedestal as 2001 or Citizen Kane, but rebooting the franchise is a slap in the face to anyone associated with the original. It was the perfect ’80s movie and should be left alone. Needless to say, I hope the 2010 version tanks and is lambasted by critics and moviegoers.

Considering this summer’s box office is in the dumper and bad ideas like Robin Hood, Prince of Persia, MacGruber and Marmaduke are being labeled miserable failures due to audiences steering clear, I sincerely hope The Karate Kid 2010 suffers the same fate. I’m not calling for organized boycotts at multiplexes because that’s just silly, but refusing to acknowledge its existence will suffice.

If anyone shares the same fond memories I have for Daniel Larusso and Mr. Miyagi, then do the right thing and avoid this latest attempt by studios to bilk more cash from a past success. And for Pete’s sake, don’t drag your kids, illegitimate or otherwise, to what promises to be a steaming pile of shit. Join me in putting a foot down and saying no to the remake madness that is plaguing Tinseltown.

Whether the overpaid suits admit it or not, audiences and consumers still wield a great deal of power. If we all thumb our collective noses at the morons who keep greenlighting trash like The Karate Kid 2010, they will be forced to get off their asses and start developing and marketing original screenplays with new and exciting characters. And if they don’t, then they’ll be out of a job.

My hope is that the Summer of Shit will expand into this weekend. My hope is that receipts plummet again. Not because I want movie theaters to feel the pinch, but because I desperately want the public to flash a giant middle finger to those responsible for ruining one of my most treasured childhood memories. Fuck you Hollywood for remaking The Karate Kid. Have you no shame? Stupid question… of course you don’t.

]]> http://flicksided.com/2010/06/dear-hollywood-please-stop-ruining-my-childhood/feed/ 1 http://flicksided.com/2010/01/ten-movie-quotes-to-get-you-through-life/ http://flicksided.com/2010/01/ten-movie-quotes-to-get-you-through-life/#comments Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:32:11 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://flicksided.com/?p=771

Some of my favorite movies are ones that inspire me to ponder the mysteries of life. All it takes to get my gears spinning is a mind-blowing performance, an ingenuous script or the unique way a director frames a shot. More often than not though, it’s a simple quote that delivers the most impact. We all have memorable lines from countless flicks rattling around in our skulls. Some make us laugh, others serve as motivation, and a select few move us to think.

Whatever their meaning, these fictional phrases become permanently embedded in our individual personalities. They help define who we are and how we see the world. While many quotes can affect us on a personal level, there are plenty that are more universal. These are the go-to lines that steer us through the monotony of our daily routines. Here are ten that fit the bill.

10 – “Pain don’t hurt.”

Delivered by: Professional bouncer James Dalton in Road House.

Why it matters: We learn at an early age that a lot of stuff will cause us pain. It sucks, but it’s inevitable. Using Dalton’s Zen-like philosophy, we can disconnect the pain thus rendering it powerless. Works great when you slam your finger in the car door.

9 – “You dick!”

Delivered by: Surfer dude Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Why it matters: We will meet plenty of assholes and morons in our lifetime. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade and tell these purveyors of douchebaggery what you think of them. It might lead to a confrontation, but it beats being a doormat.

8 – “Look eye, always look eye.”

Delivered by: Martial arts master Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid.

Why it matters: You’ll get a lot further down life’s path if you look people in the eye. Don’t give them a reason to think you’re hiding something or that you’re not trustworthy. Show no fear. Stare them down like a professional fighter, minus the psychotic snarl.

7 – “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.”

Delivered by: Dimwitted sage Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump.

Why it matters: You don’t have to be a genius to feel love. However, you do have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with its crushing effects.  Heartache and rejection will befall each and every one of us. Don’t let it defeat you. Be like Gump.

6 – “Stay frosty.”

Delivered by: Badass Colonial Marine Corporal Dwight Hicks in Aliens.

Why it matters: The worst thing you can do when you’re in a tight spot is panic and lose your water.  Keep a level head no matter the predicament. Unless it has to do with man-eating aliens with acid for blood. Then you can freak out and run for the hills.

5 – “Deserve’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”

Delivered by: Cold-blooded outlaw William Munny in Unforgiven.

Why it matters: Awful crap happens to everyone for no rhyme or reason. You could be the world’s greatest humanitarian or the world’s biggest villain. Don’t look for the “why.” You won’t find it. It’s a cruel fact of life that none of us are immune to tragedy.

4 – “I have a lot of problems… but they belong to me.”

Delivered by: Dysfunctional recluse Graham Dalton in Sex, Lies and Videotape.

Why it matters: I don’t know anyone that isn’t effed up a little bit. It doesn’t mean they should be fitted for a straitjacket. Got minor hangups? It’s normal. Got serious hangups? Might be a good idea to talk to someone. Locking yourself inside a self-imposed prison isn’t very healthy.

3 – “Never tell me the odds.”

Delivered by: Clever space smuggler Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back.

Why it matters: I used to gamble back in the day. Knowing the odds was critical. That being said, on occasion I picked instinct over logic and it paid off huge. Life is all about taking the plunge. Sitting back and playing it safe is for losers. Sometimes you gotta close your eyes and roll the dice.

2 – “I’m too old for this sh*t.”

Delivered by : Grizzled police Sergeant Roger Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon.

Why it matters: Getting old blows. Trust me when I say that a night of nonstop barhopping is much tougher to recover from at 35 than 25. If you’re not a youngster anymore, stop pretending to be one. You’ll end up looking like what you are — an old fool.

1 – “Time to die.”

Delivered by: Ruthless Replicant Roy Batty in Blade Runner.

Why it matters: No one gets out alive. The sooner we come to terms with that little nugget, the easier it will be to enjoy the time we are allotted. Roy Batty wanted more. Once he learned that wasn’t possible, he graciously accepted his fate and said goodbye.