The latest Jurassic Park film has arrived. Okay, Jurassic World Rebirth technically isn't a "park" movie, but whatever. All we care about is that it has dinosaurs and plenty of them. While we're at it, let's see which was the scariest of all the creatures.
Yes, we all care about the acting, the writing, all that cinematic stuff. But at its heart, the Jurassic franchise is a thrill ride. The latest film is set on yet another island off the coast of New Guinea. Those InGen guys sure had a lot of money. This island was the site of a research facility designed to create new hybrid dinosaurs, as people no longer find the actual "terrible lizards" all that interesting. I'll get into the many flaws of this movie another time.
So, how scary are the dinosaurs? While we're answering that, we might as well rank them, too. One important note before we get started. Not all of the creatures in the movie are dinosaurs. I know it's not a big deal to most people, but it is to me. Marine reptiles, like the Mosasaurus, are not dinosaurs. Flying reptiles, such as the Quetzalcoatlus, aren't dinosaurs either. It isn't that difficult to pay attention to the science part of science fiction. Dang it, I said I'd get to the flaws another time. Okay, scary time.
The scariest dinosaurs (and other critters) of Jurassic World Rebirth
As with all good lists, I'll begin with the least scary/most cuddly and work on up to the most terrifying of them all. Obviously, this is my opinion only, and your mileage may vary significantly. I've loved dinosaurs since I was about three years old - my first "real" book was All About Dinosaurs by Roy Chapman Andrews. But I'm not even an amateur paleontologist, so some of my identifications are best guesses.
Alright, here we go. The least terrifying would be a zero; think of, oh, a dandelion. Not one with a bee sitting on it, either. The most is, of course, a 10. Like - well, like the scariest animal in this movie.
15. Aquilops. 0.5. The cute little dinosaur that is adopted as a pet by Isabella, the equally cute and studio-mandated child actor. Not a zero, because it does have a beak and might give you a nip.
14. Parasaurolophus. 1.0 My daughter's favorite dinosaur, the large bipedal herbivore that looks like it has a trombone fused to its skull. It might be a bit higher on the list, but it was already lunch meat for one of the animals, much higher on the terror scale.
13. Compsognathus. 1.5. These are the cute little bipeds about the size of a chicken that chirp, but could gang up on you and play piranha on your flesh.
12. Ankylosaurus. 2.0. The low-slung armored tank of the dinosaurs, these are the guys with the club at the end of their tail. The only threat they might pose is as a roadblock.
11. Eryops. 2.5. The first of the dinosaurs that is not, in fact, a dinosaur. I'm guessing at this one, but the creature briefly seen climbing up a tree sure looked like the early amphibian to me. At about six feet in length, they could be a formidable predator. Just not in this movie.
10. Brachiosaurus - probable Lusotitan. 3.0. The issue here is that a large sauropod - the massive herbivores with the long necks and tails - has escaped from a zoo. It's called a Brachiosaurus in the movie, but it lacks the distinctive domed skull. I think it's more likely to be based on the Lusotitan, a member of the same family that had a much less pronounced protrusion. Since the Brachiosaurus was introduced in the first film, I suppose they just went with the name for the sake of familiarity. Only scary if it steps on you. Or your house.
9. (TIE) Titanosaurus. 3.5. An even larger sauropod than the brachiosauridae that appears earlier in the film. Because it's bigger, it's a bit scarier, plus there's more than one.
9. (TIE) Anurognathus. 3.5. Another guess, but there are a lot of small flying reptiles hanging out with the titanosaurs, which also flit about a couple of other times. Another of the denizens of the island that is not a dinosaur. These dudes were small, like the size of pigeons. But if a dozen decided you looked tasty, well...
8. (TIE) Dilophosaurus. 4.5. Ah, yes, the bane of Dennis Nedry's existence. And the cause of his demise. These are the hissing frilled dinos that spit venom. They just make a cameo here, luckily for the human stars.
8. (TIE) Dunkleosteus. 4.5. Definitely not a dinosaur, but a particularly nasty bit of work that was a very early apex predator among the fishes. At about a dozen feet long with a jaw like a snapping turtle, it's been estimated to have the strongest bite force of any animal ever. So why did I rank it at just 4.5? You'll know when you see the movie.
7. (TIE) Velociraptor. 5.0. Everybody's second favorite dinosaur, unless of course it's your first. No more fun and games with Blue or any of that silliness. But Jurassic World Rebirth has far worse in store.
7. (TIE) Zhejiangopterus. 5.0. Another guess. Considering that there's a paleontologist on this expedition, it sure would have been helpful to have him spit out names like our buddy Dr. Alan Grant. To be fair, this critter pops up when Dr. Henry Loomis is occupied elsewhere. Basically, it's a larger member of the pterodactyls. This particular beastie shows up just in time.
6. Mutadon. 6.5. Here we have the first of the genetically engineered hybrid dinosaurs that are really the underlying reason for this film. That and a few gazillion dollars for Universal Pictures. Think velociraptor with wings, and you've got the Mutadon. This is the first of the creatures that elicits a whimper or two of fear.
5. Distortus Rex. 7.0. I'm quite sure many will disagree with this ranking, as the D. Rex is the big bad of the film. Based on a shot of the Rancor from Return of the Jedi, a jigger of the Xenomorph from Alien, all dumped into a blender with a T. Rex, it's just a mess. Yeah, it's kinda scary, but that's almost despite the cheesy design.
4 (TIE). Spinosaurus. 7.5. The sail-finned semi-aquatic rivals of T. rex are back. And this time, they hunt in packs. Bonus points for throwing in the term "mutualism" when describing their behavior re the Mosasaurus. As for their rank on the scary scale, they can snatch you up in the water or on land.
4 (TIE). Quetzalcoatlus. 7.5. "A flying carnivore the size of an F-16" is a solid description, courtesy of Dr. Loomis. I guess he isn't completely useless. With a beak that can easily fit an entire human inside it - I mean, I guess - and the fact that it can climb sheer rock walls as easily as it can fly, yeah, it's scary.
3. Mosasaurus. 8.0. The true big bad of Jurassic World. I mean, did the Indominus Rex win? Alright then. This is the largest of all the predators, which is a pretty neat trick when you consider it's not a dinosaur. True, it can't munch on you once you reach land, but they are on an island, after all.
2. Carnotaurus. 8.5. Think of a somewhat smaller tyrannosaur, and give it two short horns over its eyes. Now you have a 25-foot-long killing machine, sort of a Komodo dragon that runs on two legs. How fun!
1. Tyrannosaurus rex. 10.0. There's no dethroning the king of the tyrant lizards. Fun fact, at least according to Jurassic World Rebirth: T. rex can swim. As if they weren't already terrifying enough.